Its like force feeding a tiger. Dare and you may get bit. Well I told my mom last night that I had gotten an apartment. What was her respond, "how?" and a click from a hang up. Shes told my aunt and she been blowin up my phone all day. I been running all day trying to do last minute stuff before school lets out. I wasnt in the room most of the day. Thats my story and I am sticking to it. I'm tired of having to explain everything to everybody. Who do I have to answer to? I guess my fam still thinks it's them but they got me Fuc'd 2 the Up as Benji Brown would say. I am asking the Lord to order my steps. I've never prayed so much, but so much is going on. I do have my keys and was suppose to move in today but Ken's grandpa is dying so he couldnt leave. Am I mad? Hell no! What type of question is that? All in all I have my apartment regardless. I've moved most of my stuff already. Just need to move the rest. Anyway God is good. I am saved by his Grace....get like me.

I just don't know maybe its nerves but I the last week I have been waking feeling sick. Poor diet, lack of excercise, or stress but I don't feel well. But I refuse for that to discourage my day. Ken made his way up here and signed the lease. The devil been on a mission. But God has me 3 steps ahead of him. Ken was asking me whats wrong. I just need a rest I guess.

I really need to be cleaning. Everyone else around me has attitudes. Negativity and stress fills the air. I love the Lord regardless. Well I have things to do like pack, study, and cleanup. I guess I will contiue writing letter after I type my final


Well it's a update 8:19pm and I still haven't typed my final yet. But I still have been thinking about things..

Kentrall being one of those things. I still haven't heard from him. I don't know if he made it back to New Orleans yet cause he hasnt called meaning he probably in Natchez or sleep. That lil' man (not boy) gets on my last nerves sometimes but I still love him...He is

ALL I NEED


i guess i want it all
the best of both worlds
not just for me
but because i know its in you

i want a man who can sag his pants
and doesnt mind tightening his belt and puttin on a sweater for church
i want someone who can ball all day
but makes sure he's home in time to get his studying done
i dont mind, hang wit ya boys
but always make time for ya girl
my man will love doing for me
as i love doing for him
i need a man who cares for his mother
respects his father and cherishes his time with his family
i need a man who takes care of business on all cylinders,
in everything he does, he tries his best
i want goofball who can hold an interesting conversation
i want my boyfriend to be friends with my best friend
i need a tall Polo wearin, football playin, Jordan buying, book reading, joke telling, movie watchin sweetheart.....
....well not need but you know
but i do need a strong Christian man
a good listener and a friend
i dont want a rebel or a goody goody
more like a decent bad boy
i want somebody who, out of respect,
lets his people know he's havin company
takes out the trash cuz it needs to be done
or babysits his cousin just to have the quality time
i want a strong man, that i can baby
one who can handle me, cuz im a hand full

Like i said i guess i want it all
i want him passionate as Denzel
as dedicated as Mike
and as determined as Malcolm
i want him black art sexy
i need a man who is not afraid to be a man
and not afraid to let me be a woman
i need for him to have the capacity to learn
and something to teach

HE is all i need

I sitting here eyes wet, feeling sick in the tummy, and I don't know how to feel but it's negative. It started early this morning one extreme to another. Lord help me! I really want this to be over cause I'm tired of fighting. Well I was suppose to tell my mother about me moving yesterday but she didnt call me back until today so I didnt tell her. I just don't feel up to it. These people trying to get over on me at the leasing office and I aint even for that b/s. There are so many complications. This shit is at no way rolling smoothly. I been listening to the song " Icebox" all day. The chorus is what I am feeling right now. I got this icebox were my heart use to be. I don't feel anything positive is just hard and cold. I put on this front for others but I truly am not caring much about anything anymore. I feel like I am going to make it but I just ask God to soothe me and hold me in his arms.

This is major move right here. I am getting ready to tell my mother that I am going to be moving in my own apartment. This is something difficult for me to do I have been procrastinating for the last few months to tell her about my apartment but I know the time is right. I know what I am doing is right. There is no way that I feel that she can fix her past mistakes with me I just feel that now is the time to become a woman truly to myself. I've prayed and prayed and it's so hard not to worry when all kinds of things are going through my head. I was thinking that I not only want to be in church but to be active in church as well. I know for act I have favor and am a blessed child of God, so why do I feel this way. My friend suggested that I write in here and somewhat I feel that it has calmed my nerves. We even prayed earlier. I felt good about it but I feel that I need more of a push. I am use to telling people things at the 11th hour only when its necessary only when I have to but as a woman I don't want to do that. One of my other friends are praying for me too. She reminded me God answers knee-mail and after I pray stop worrying because if you worry that shows God that you don't have much faith in him. But I am feeling much better now. I just will continue to let God order my steps in order that I can make good choices and show me wrongs when they are not right. I just ask that anyone that reads this knows that God is real and he will guide, cover, and protect me from all hurt, harm. and danger. I also went to church Sunday and there was such a great feeling that came over me. I just felt a release in me like I am ready for the Lord to take me to greater heights with my relationship with him,Amen

I am at JSU and that is where I really wanted to be but I think I have bite off more than I can chew trying to play catch up from last semester because of Katrina. So I'm taking Chemistry and Biology and there labs at the same time and it is seemin to be a bit much now. But I have a purpose and I live a purpose driven life so Imma do me.